Healing…

Jenny Hatch Healing Journey in Pictures

I am going to use this post to share an update on my mental health status with my long term readers.

Many of you know that I had a nervous breakdown after the birth of my first child in 1989. And that I was ordered by a judge to eat psychiatric meds for 14 months as my introduction to Motherhood.

This life event has shaped just about every decision and belief I have had in the intervening years.

My Mom has been reaching out to my daughters the past few days after a long period of no contact. I am glad. It thrilled me to listen to Allison share details about a phone call she received for her birthday from Grandma. I am certain that this was great for her and helped her feel a little bit better about our decision not to include my parents, siblings, and extended family in her wedding last summer. When you make an impossible decision like that, you are often left wondering if you just killed any hope of reconciliation and relationship with your family for the rest of your life.

I have been in protest mode for the past two years. I told my Father that until he fessed up to the family about the truth of his abuse, I would not have anything to do with him or anyone in the family who stands with him. As horrifying as it has been to allow this stance to play out, I have ached for my mother and my sisters so much at times it felt like I was dying. Since I almost died several times while healing from the abuse, it is a tossup how best to heal from these types of situations. Pulling away was survival, because I was having deadly asthma attacks every time I thought about my family. But a broken heart is also a deadly thing.

I have spent quite a bit of time reading old posts at Penelope Trunks blog. She has taken the stance of writing her truth as a form of healing. I do not know that I could ever share the details that I can hardly articulate to a therapist in the privacy of a small office here on my blog. Her abuse posts are so raw, I often have to read them a couple times just to process the fact that I am indeed reading what is on the screen.

I applaud her courage.

Rather than horrify you with the gory details of what I experienced as a child in my fathers home, I would rather talk about the things I am doing to cope and heal. I am making progress.

I was able to actually come to the supper table on Thanksgiving and enjoy the day with my family. That was huge.

On December 23rd, a key anniversary day, I moved from moment to moment without breaking out in hives or having a panic attack. Progress.

I would like to take a sec to give a shout out to my dog Samwise Gandalf. He has been with our family since 2005 and has been such a huge source of love and healing for me. All day long he follows me around my house. He stands by the door whenever I go anywhere and watches until I arrive home. He has been so consistent in his love while I mothered my teens through some difficult years and they swung back and forth from loving to hating to being embarrassed by me as youth are so wont to do.

Samwise Gandalf hatch

The unconditional love shown to me by this little being has been a spiritual blessing during a difficult time.

Benjamin and Sam jan 2015

Mothering Benjamin has also been key to my surivival. Heck, Benjamin is the reason I am still here. On one very horrifying day in 2001 I was having serious suicidal thoughts. As I worked in my kitchen feeling like the worst mother on the planet I felt a male voice in my mind say to me,

“you cannot kill yourself, I want you to be my mother.”

I was thunderstruck.

If there was some person in the universe who believed that I could pull it together enough to be pregnant and mother a newborn, perhaps I was not so ill as I felt. Since that time I have learned that repressed memories showing up are a sign of STRENGTH! A sign that the body and mind of the person recognizes that they are strong enough to face the TRUTH!

Mothering Ben these past twelve years has been the key to my healing. As he reached certain ages I was able to access specific incidents of trauma that happened to me at the same age. During various dark moments of healing purges, I felt sorry for him that he had me for a mother, when I was such a pathetic basket case. But then I would remember that pre birth incident of him saying that he wanted ME TO BE HIS MOTHER and it helped.

I feel like I am on the cusp of a new day in my health and my life.

It is good to be alive.

Jenny Hatch

Jenny Hatch with Freeborn Benjamin and my Doula and Massage Therapist three days after the birth in 2002!

Jenny Hatch with Freeborn Benjamin and my Doula and Massage Therapist three days after the birth in 2002!

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