Perfected in Christ…his grace is sufficient
“Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.”
I have so many thoughts on my mind today. My body is closing down a disease process that has once again shaken me to my core physically and emotionally.
An infection festered on my face and in my glands and skin for months. During these months of purging and healing I had an epiphany on July 4th and was able to finally break through into the true causes of my distress.
I thought the illness would quickly move out of my tissues once I remembered the trauma, but unfortunately it is September, and I am still struggling.
I am functioning better now, so I figured it was time to begin blogging again.
I pulled away from everyone and everything these past nine months to provide a space for my soul to reconcile more childhood trauma. I feel so grateful for my husband and children who
have provided a safe space around my heart as I healed this mortal blow to my mind and body.
I was able to move through this healing without any professional help in the form
of therapists, drugs, or doctors and the whole experience has been quite empowering.
In the past I have struggled with feelings of resentment that so much of our family budget was paying for my mental health bills.
It felt as though I was being extorted by my perps on another level as the bills racked up.
Processing this trauma alone was another way to feel in control of my health and pocketbook.
The assault was one of being trafficked by a non family member who had access to me for a couple of hours when I was a toddler, and he sold three men my little body for sexual gratification for two
completely soul shattering hours.
With everything else I have remembered and healed, apparently this event was the most debilitating and traumatic.
Something about being sold shatters the mind in a deathly way.
At times these past nine months I have felt like a three year old as I processed out layers of junk. And it was very good to not participate on the internet too much or engage with people in person, on the phone, or by email.
I asked to be released from all my church responsibilities and also closed off connections to most friends and conversations raging on Facebook over the Presidential election.
I did not have the capacity or inclination to participate much in any chat rooms or debates around politics, Common Core,
One day I did decide to do what was needed to become an Uber driver and in May started driving with a very large pair of sunglasses to hide my eyes.
I knew I was not contagious and that getting out and earning a few dollars and interacting with strangers in a service job would be good for my mental health.
Because I had complete control over my schedule, I was able to take off whole
weeks when I was not well enough to drive.
And the job was always waiting for me on the days I was able to muster up the gumption to go earn a few dollars.
I am not healed enough yet to provide any significant analysis of what has happened.
Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words, so I will simply share a few photos taken during the worst of my illness.
I look forward to moving past this time of illness and reconciliation into a healthier and more productive stage of life.